A Mom's Wise Advice

Last Tuesday mom and dad dropped by for an unexpected visit .... it may have saved my life.
We were able to talk and pray together about my despair and as always momma helped to bring some perspective. And before they left she insisted that I call my counsellor and set up an appointment to talk through the fallout from the sentencing hearing. (I'd been stalling on this -- letting myself believe that there was no point in trying to sort it out anymore)

Today I had that meeting with my counsellor and am relieved to say that it went very well.
I wish I could adequately describe what it is she does and how it changes things on my insides but words fail me. All I know is I come out of her office much clearer and stronger than when I went in. Much more at peace with the things that usually cause great consternation.

So, to all those who have been praying for me ... Thank you. Please don't stop (as the process has only just begun .. again) But continue to lift both me and my counsellor before God. We need wisdom and insight to keep me moving in the right direction.

Monday January 16th. Didn't sleep much last night. (slept quite a bit this afternoon, though)

It seems that change is in the works for our little family yet again. On our way home from Chestermere last night we got to discussing the logistics of staying in Three Hills. It sure doesn't seem possible to do for much longer. The work for Garron just isn't coming in and even if it did the paint shop where he does all his business closed down last month and so it would be very difficult for him to get the supplies he needs.

Put that together with the fact the house we are currently renting wont fit once the new baby comes and we are left feeling that a major change must be just around the corner.

Please, please pray cause both Garron and I are so emotionally, mentally and physically tired that a move like this and all the decisions involved seems too overwhelming to think about let alone DO!

Out for a Ride

Here's our little Journey out riding with her cousin Ethan. They used to fight a lot but now they're pretty good friends. Sara was babysitting while Manda and I went to see The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Thanks, Sara! 

Solomon Honour Jon Rish

Well, here he is! This is a picture of his face (mostly).
We were so excited that we bought an "Its a Boy!" cake and a balloon and had a celebration supper.
He's the last chance for someone who can carry on the Rish name so Garron's family is also very happy. 

Solomon it is!

We had our first 'official' ultrasound today. I am happy to report that the results actually caused a sense of real excitement in me ... a thing I haven't experienced in a LONG while. We are having a boy! (as you may have guessed from the title of this blog) We chose the name Solomon Honour as soon as we found out we were expecting (it would have been Harmony Honour had it been another girl). Today we also decided to add Jon as a second middle name in honour of my brother Jon whom Garron and I spent so much time with down at school. I would LOVE to be able to show my respect for all of my brothers by naming our son after them but that would get a tad long. Let's see just for fun:

Solomon Honour Mark David Jon Peter Rish.

Yep, too long. Oh, and we can't forget Garron's brother Darren! Phew. That WOULD be a mouthful.
Anyways, we are very pleased to be carrying the last hope for preserving the Rish last name. There are no other boys. Our due date is still around the 12th of June. (I was hoping to be told it would be much earlier ... but no such luck) This really puts a strain on being able to get to Pete's wedding! But I'm not giving up Pete. I definitely will do ALL I can to be there!

Ok, I've gotta go back to the ultrasound place to have get my 4D cd of today's appointment fixed. The tech only copied the view of the 'proof' of the baby's gender and forgot to put the view of the head and body on too. Without the rest of the picture it just doesn't seem quite right!

getting things out

Lately I have found myself thinking that I'd really rather not have this baby I'm carrying. Such a different feeling than when I was pregnant with Journey. As I give up hope on life having a second child seems redundant...inane...

I'm tired of being tired. I don't even remember what its like to have energy ... even for little things like going to get the mail. (all of two and a half blocks away) I haven't felt energetic since before Garron and I got married in 2000.

I'm frustrated at feeling physically ill every day. I'm not sure if its the pregnancy, flu, stress or something entirely different ... but I just want to wake up one morning and not have this nausea.

I long to be able to lie down at night and shut my brain off without first having to numb it with a couple of hours of crosswords. And then once asleep I wish my dreams would be sweet and leave me feeling refreshed -- instead of these dark dreams I've been having that continue to haunt and depress me even in daylight.

I don't want Garron to have to 'carry' me anymore. I want to feel like a vital and contributing member of this family and not just a 'taker'. I'm so needy. And though he has been an incredible support even I am beginning to see the drain that I am on him.

God these are my desires!! Some of them at least. These are the things I am wearying of fighting for on a daily basis. Why bother hoping for things like justice and purpose when these trivial things seem so far out of reach?!

Desire

I've been reading "The Journey of Desire" in the tub the last couple of days. Its claim is that we are a dead people cause we have chosen to ignore or even kill our desire in an attempt to protect ourselves from the hurts of desires gone unfulfilled.
Reminds me of "Shattered Dreams", a book my dad recommended a few years back at the onset of my major breakdown. Same sort of premise (I didn't read it but he quoted it enough for me to get the idea).

It seems to be true.

I have been fighting to hold on to my desires and dreams inspite of the frustration and loss and failure. But I'm losing. I feel the fire inside me flickering out -- I don't really want to give up ... but I find I lack the emotional, spiritual and mental energy to keep going. I'm slipping into meaningless 'dutiful' existence. Continuing life because its the 'right' thing to do. Accepting a passionless fate cause I don't know where to go to re-energize.