"Most Of The Time"

The kids are in bed and I have decided to let Dylan keep me company tonight. His songs have been stirring my aching soul all evening and while on one hand I feel critical despair ... there is another side that senses a possibility of hope knowing that there is at least one other person who understands (and better yet, can express) what I'm feeling. Thanks Bob. The following are lyrics to one of his songs that expresses how I'm feeling about myself right now. My real self, the one born to Andy and Charlotte James. The one named Amy Ruth. I miss her even though I'm not sure I ever really knew her. "Most of the time I'm clear focused all around Most of the time I can keep both feet on the ground I can follow the path I can read the sign Stay right with it when the road unwinds I can handle whatever I stumble upon I don't even notice she's gone Most of the time. Most of the time it's well understood Most of the time I wouldn't change it if I could I can make it all match up I can hold my own I can deal with the situation right down to the bone I can survive and I can endure And I don't even think about her Most of the time. Most of the time my head is on straight Most of the time I'm strong enough not to hate I don't build up illusion 'til it makes me sick I ain't afraid of confusion no matter how thick I can smile in the face of mankind Don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine Most of the time. Most of the time she ain't even in my mind I wouldn't know her if I saw her She's that far behind Most of the time I can even be sure If she was ever with me Or if I was ever with her Most of the time I'm halfway content Most of the time I know exactly where it went I don't cheat on myself I don't run and hide Hide from the feelings that are buried inside I don't compromise and I don't pretend I don't even care if I ever see her again Most of the time."

Life with Lyme

I am hiding in my house. Too tired to do anything productive. I guess you can't really call it 'hiding' at 9:30pm. Nearly everyone is at home at this time of night. But I've been here most of the day, week, month ... ok, most of the last two years as a matter of fact. Some days I have energy enough to do some dishes - some laundry. Laundry is easier to accomplish cuz it takes only moments to fill the machine and then I get to go sit down and wait for it to 'do its thing'. Dishes, on the other hand, require me to stand for longer periods and I just don't have it in me. On bad days it hurts to hold my head up. Feels like my neck is siezing and can't do its job any more. Ice doesn't help and heat brings no pleasure. Massage is ok while it lasts ... but the toxic headache I get after moving tissue around in my body just isn't worth it! Today started out with the usual symptoms of fatigue and foggy-ness. Dad pointed out that my med pack was in disarray and while I knew he was right and worked to refill each section I found it difficult to process what I was doing. I could see myself taking the pills out of their bottles and placing them in their respective slots in the pill pack (7 days worth of 4 doses each) but I couldn't 'think' about any of it. My mind refused to form thoughts - as if it was completely unconnected with what my hands were doing. Dad was at my place first thing in the morning to help get the kids off to school ... Garron is away this week and I am incapable of handling this task on my own. I remember a time when getting breakfast wasn't a challenge ... but that was long before I had children. It seems so distant from my current reality and I feel a keen sense of grief when I think about it. I've been grieving a lot of things lately. I managed to get myself out for a bit in the morning even forcing myself to walk home after a prayer time at Sara's before allowing myself to nap ... But I felt no better after waking from that nap; and in fact, experienced a rapid emotional dive. I decided it would be better if I wasn't alone so I took a walk to my mom's just down the street. The house was empty when I got there and as I walked aimlessly around the back yard pondering whether or not to wait or go home I found myself weeping. So, home I went, and called Garron. I described my sinking sensation and frustration at my inability to function as a mother and wife... "This is just where we're at right now Amy", he said. "This sounds like the Lyme to me". I knew it was. Some days I am so 'on top' of accepting my condition. I've got hope in Dr. Reedyk's treatment plan and am at peace with my disabilities and patient with the long road to healing. But then there are 'other' days. Dark, questioning, frustrated, fatigued and painful days where I fantasize about being institutionalized --free from any expectations and responsibilities. I grow weary of the constant failure to control any area of my life. No matter what I do ... get to bed on time, take my meds, go for a walk, eat healthy, think right ... none of it has the affect I am after. None of it changes the fact that physically and emotionally I most often feel like crap! I feel very isolated and today am indulging in a bit of self-pity. Tomorrow I hope I will have the energy to choose to be more positive.

The Newest Rish

This is Peggy. The newest addition to our family. She is a 4 year old yellow lab. Her personality is sweet and gentle. She is slowly getting adjusted to her new life with us (she had never left her home farm before, let alone been introduced to travel,and towns and living indoors). We have fallen in love with her already and can't wait for you all to get to know her.