getting things out
Lately I have found myself thinking that I'd really rather not have this baby I'm carrying. Such a different feeling than when I was pregnant with Journey. As I give up hope on life having a second child seems redundant...inane...
I'm tired of being tired. I don't even remember what its like to have energy ... even for little things like going to get the mail. (all of two and a half blocks away) I haven't felt energetic since before Garron and I got married in 2000.
I'm frustrated at feeling physically ill every day. I'm not sure if its the pregnancy, flu, stress or something entirely different ... but I just want to wake up one morning and not have this nausea.
I long to be able to lie down at night and shut my brain off without first having to numb it with a couple of hours of crosswords. And then once asleep I wish my dreams would be sweet and leave me feeling refreshed -- instead of these dark dreams I've been having that continue to haunt and depress me even in daylight.
I don't want Garron to have to 'carry' me anymore. I want to feel like a vital and contributing member of this family and not just a 'taker'. I'm so needy. And though he has been an incredible support even I am beginning to see the drain that I am on him.
God these are my desires!! Some of them at least. These are the things I am wearying of fighting for on a daily basis. Why bother hoping for things like justice and purpose when these trivial things seem so far out of reach?!
posted by Amy @ 8:04 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
It is my belief that you are carrying Damien, the child from the Omen. I suggest that you consult Gregory Peck througha Ouiji board and figure out how to fight it.
Too out there? Yeah I guess.
It can be frustrating not to be in control of how you feel. It's easy for me to say you've got to work through it. So I won't. I'll say, put on a silly hat get a bowl of vanilla ice cream and smear some sort of topping on it and eat it.
If that doesn't work, skip the hat and exchange ice cream with cream cheese.
Good luck,
Well, thanks Dave. Whoever you are.
amy, we love you. i too am tired. nothing is as exciting as it used to be and i don't have the energy it takes to make it exciting. david often says go out for the day by yourself, no kids, just do whatever you want. but then i convince myself that it isn't going to be fun anyway so why make him stay home with all the kids. besides..it would take me hours to get ready, look at my hair, my face! what would i wear (i'm always in my houseclothes:) but it is necessary and it does make me enjoy the kids more the next day and give me ideas? desires? that are needed to keep me going. i dunno. i think it's all normal when kids come along. we don't look like we used to and we can't do the things we used to do. we need our husbands like crazy and you have gone through sooo much. so no advice- maybe Dave said it all:)
love you amy, thinking of you lots. remember me too. keep blogging...
Who the heck is Dave? Not bad advice though...despite the Damien child reference. Anyhow Amy...you have not been calling your sister enough, oh I see you say I haven't been calling you enough eh? Well maybe you have a point, maybe not, we'll just have to see, but I'd have to say best not to feel like an imposition on me ever and better go see your counselor...they tend to help. I'll call her if you need me to :). I'll tell her some crazy stories of you leaving me by a train and then she'll make you do some really hard work!! I love you Amy, you child is Solomon not Damien and Garron is building character!! He'll thank you in the end.
talk to you soon!
sara
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