Life with Lyme

I am hiding in my house. Too tired to do anything productive. I guess you can't really call it 'hiding' at 9:30pm. Nearly everyone is at home at this time of night. But I've been here most of the day, week, month ... ok, most of the last two years as a matter of fact. Some days I have energy enough to do some dishes - some laundry. Laundry is easier to accomplish cuz it takes only moments to fill the machine and then I get to go sit down and wait for it to 'do its thing'. Dishes, on the other hand, require me to stand for longer periods and I just don't have it in me. On bad days it hurts to hold my head up. Feels like my neck is siezing and can't do its job any more. Ice doesn't help and heat brings no pleasure. Massage is ok while it lasts ... but the toxic headache I get after moving tissue around in my body just isn't worth it! Today started out with the usual symptoms of fatigue and foggy-ness. Dad pointed out that my med pack was in disarray and while I knew he was right and worked to refill each section I found it difficult to process what I was doing. I could see myself taking the pills out of their bottles and placing them in their respective slots in the pill pack (7 days worth of 4 doses each) but I couldn't 'think' about any of it. My mind refused to form thoughts - as if it was completely unconnected with what my hands were doing. Dad was at my place first thing in the morning to help get the kids off to school ... Garron is away this week and I am incapable of handling this task on my own. I remember a time when getting breakfast wasn't a challenge ... but that was long before I had children. It seems so distant from my current reality and I feel a keen sense of grief when I think about it. I've been grieving a lot of things lately. I managed to get myself out for a bit in the morning even forcing myself to walk home after a prayer time at Sara's before allowing myself to nap ... But I felt no better after waking from that nap; and in fact, experienced a rapid emotional dive. I decided it would be better if I wasn't alone so I took a walk to my mom's just down the street. The house was empty when I got there and as I walked aimlessly around the back yard pondering whether or not to wait or go home I found myself weeping. So, home I went, and called Garron. I described my sinking sensation and frustration at my inability to function as a mother and wife... "This is just where we're at right now Amy", he said. "This sounds like the Lyme to me". I knew it was. Some days I am so 'on top' of accepting my condition. I've got hope in Dr. Reedyk's treatment plan and am at peace with my disabilities and patient with the long road to healing. But then there are 'other' days. Dark, questioning, frustrated, fatigued and painful days where I fantasize about being institutionalized --free from any expectations and responsibilities. I grow weary of the constant failure to control any area of my life. No matter what I do ... get to bed on time, take my meds, go for a walk, eat healthy, think right ... none of it has the affect I am after. None of it changes the fact that physically and emotionally I most often feel like crap! I feel very isolated and today am indulging in a bit of self-pity. Tomorrow I hope I will have the energy to choose to be more positive.