Mourning

I am mourning today ... earlier this week I was dancing. Dancing with joy for my brother and his wife as they headed off to pick up a brand new baby boy ... to adopt him into their (our) family. They were so excited as the wait has been long and arduous. Then, today we heard the news that the mother has changed her mind and will not be signing the adoption papers after all. My heart is so heavy. I ache for Mark and Mae and Mary who have hoped and prayed and planned for this child. I feel as though he really was their baby and that they have been robbed.

The grief is strange ... its not 'final' like death ... but desperate -- and choking -- like that of a mother who's child is 'missing'. The unknowns are so great. The questions unanswerable. Where is he? What does he look like? Who is holding him? Do they notice the color of his eyes? the intricacies of his tiny hands? Do they love him? Do they have hopes for his future? Can they see the man that he will become? Will they give their all to protect him? Will he ever know how close he came to being a part of us? Will he ever know the love we felt for him, the prayers we prayed for him?

I feel like these questions will always haunt me. Having come so close ... having believed he was truly a member of the family. And now, he's gone. I'll never meet him. Hold him. Enjoy his smile. And I wonder ... if I feel the loss this intensely how deep must Mark and Mae and Mary's pain be?